Developing self love through standards
Learn from being single
I'm a proud believer in the value of being single and all that it can teach us.
Dating can be a really, really great way to actually learn about ourselves and discover more.
Have a goof intention for your dates
So if you can go on to dates and have that as your, I guess, intention for the date, it takes a lot of pressure from needing to feel a spark.
Now, I would say a spark is an amazing thing to have.
But it's definitely in the nice to have category of things that occur on dates.
Instead, I think a better intention or standard that you could have for your date is, you're going to try and learn something about yourself, you're gonna have fun, and you're gonna be curious about the other person.
I also believe on that note, by the way, that the spark may be dependent on the stage of life that you're at.
I mean, I do remember when I was 16, feeling the spark a lot more than when I was in my 30s.
I was like, so remember that your ability to feel that sparky connection may also just reflect your maturity, your life stage and what you're looking for.
So, instead, have an intention and an expectation around your dates, which is actually based on something that isn't the spark. There's about learning, it's about having fun, and being curious about somebody else.
The difference between standards and expectations
Now, in terms of the other standards, what else should you be looking for in terms of who you choose to go on a date with?
Now, I'm sure you know that I'm going to tell you that when it comes to standards, there are some good things to have standards about, and there are some not so good things to have standards about.
I think if we hold really rigid standards for things that are quite superficial, such as height, a job title, even age to an extent that that can really limit us because we can have a really rigid idea of who's going to make us happy and who we're going to actually connect with best.
Instead, I think people are usually best when we experience them, and we have the opportunity to get to know them.
So, some flexibility in terms of your type of paper can be helpful.
However, there are good things to have silence around.
That really, I think, comes down to how somebody treats you.
So, when you're kind of imagining your dream partner, focus less on that kind of shopping list of stuff that would be nice to have.
Instead just think day to day, how you would like someone to interact with you, that's going to give you better information, knowledge about how you could approach dating in a way that enables you to choose people to go on dates with that are really aligned with you.
Expectation vs reality
Now we know another thing that can easily set us up for, dare I say, disappointment on our dates is, again, having expectation too... I was going to say too high.
It's more about having, I suppose, expectations without realization that they are expectations.
So, expectations are where we build an assumption or a story, or we have an idea about how our progression of getting to know someone is going to evolve.
Now a problem could occur here, when we have one expectation about how our relationship is going to evolve, and the person we are interacting with and getting to know has a different expectation.
The funny thing is really that I don't think, again, there isn't really a one true right way of going about dating.
Instead, you're looking to find people who see things in broadly the same way.
Or if you see things very differently, who are able to communicate through that.
So, here's what can happen when sometimes we develop expectations.
So, an expectation to you might sound like, well, by this stage of the relationship or by this stage of getting to know someone, I expected that we'd be seeing each other three times a week, or I expected that we'd be exclusive or expected to meet their friends.
Now, there could be a perfectly good reason why those things haven't happened.
But it's very easy for that place of expectation to develop quite a negative storyline around what's happening, which is they just don't like me. They're about to reject me.
Again, when we're back to what I said at the start, when we're not thinking about how we think and feel about a situation, and instead we're really focusing on what they might think or feel, the key word here being might, we don't know.
That's a really easy way to tie ourselves in emotional knots and feel a lot of anguish or disappointment around dating.
Now, that's not to say that we don't read any cues from someone.
Of course, if someone is totally not responsive to your messages, or you're not meeting in real life, it's fair to say that I think the writing is on the wall through the actions that they're not creating this relationship with you.
However, for a lot of other scenarios, they may just be a bit less clear than that, you may feel that in some ways you feel that the relationship with someone is progressing quite well, but in other ways, not so much.
The way that you resolve that isn't to get it into your mind that they don't like you and to start to build an action plan around it, the solution is simply to communicate.
Communicate what you want and need
That can feel like an incredibly scary thing to do because it'll make you feel vulnerable.
It may also make you feel like, Oh, what if I'm totally on a different page to them.
But what you got to understand is, it's not about power struggle, it's a certain stage of getting to know someone is, it's not a power struggle, it's not about, who is winning in the interaction, or who's messaging someone each other first, or who's suggesting meeting up or not, instead, there comes a point where you're reflecting on your standards for how you would like someone to engage with you.
You are seeking, with curiosity, to establish whether it's possible to have that with this person or not, and that's actually a really attractive and secure thing for you to do.
Again, the trick here really is about being able to express that, but expressing it with lightness that shows actually if the response I get, if you're unable to respond to me if you deflect the question, if you show or equally, if you clearly tell me that we're not aligned, in terms of what we're looking for, then we add, it's not great, but I'll be okay with that.
So, using a curious communication, light and playful, also ultimately demonstrates that we're not too beholden to the outcome of dating interaction.
So, how could you say this? A lot of the time, it just starts by saying, I, it could be like, I'd like to see more. Or I'm enjoying how this is progressing. I'm liking getting to know you, or something's been confusing me, I'd love to understand this better.
So by saying I and by saying, I'd like this to happen, and I'd love to understand that better, or I've recently noticed this has happened, I feel like this is happening.
By using those words, you only come across to someone who's got those standards for how someone wants to treat you. You're being curious, you're building a relationship, you're not just building your idea of how you expect things should be, you're actually really relating to someone and discovering whether you could be a match.
So, before we begin, I've got I've also just seen that I've got a couple of other questions that came with this section.
What advice can you give to be less picky?
So, the first question is, what advice can you give to be less picky?
Now, I don't know about you, but I don't like the word picky.
It's, again, one of that kind of things that we say to people that are single as a convenient catch-all reason why someone single, like you're too picky, you're not picky enough, you're trying too hard, you're not trying hard enough.
I wouldn't say, I wouldn't necessarily see yourself as being picky.
But it is good to inquire about what your standards are.
As I said before, shifting away from those standards around the shopping list around what you'd like in a partner, and instead shifting toward how you'd like someone to treat you.
Once you've got that really clear, again, it makes that when you feel that someone may or may not be treating you that way, it makes it so much easier for you to be able to communicate around that.
Advice on eye contact
I have another quick question that's come in before we do our recap, and then we meet our match success couple, which is from someone who has autism and asks, I would like advice on eye contact.
Now, what's really interesting is, if you are looking to go out there and connect and meet people, you may have noticed times recently where maybe you've tried to smile and make eye contact with someone, and they haven't been able they've looked away.
It's important to know actually at that moment that isn't a rejection, it's not like looking at you and going no, absolutely not.
In fact, lots of people look away because they don't feel comfortable returning eye contact, they don't feel comfortable returning your gaze.
So first of all, if you're on the receiving end of that, remember that's not to do with you.
If you'd like to become better at returning eye contact.
Remember, sometimes really great eye contact isn't just staring consistently at someone, it's actually we look at them, we look away, and we look back, that can feel really flirtatious.
If that still feels too intense for you.
Then you can also simply try focusing on this point on their face in between their eyes or to let your eyes wander around their face.
Again, this communicates some attraction that may feel less intense from the standpoint of you giving the eye contact.
Key Takeaways
So, I'm really excited to introduce you to our success couple.
But before that, let's just do a really quick recap of the teaching points within this chapter.
So remember, don't rely on the spark as an indicator of whether you should go on a date with someone.
Have different intentions for your dates.
Have standards, but make sure they're about the right things.
When you're communicating your standards and expectations, at least swap, especially initially, keep the tone of that communication playful and warm.
So, we want to see the oh, I've just seen that's popped up.
We've actually had our survey results come in.
You remember I asked that slightly controversial question about, do you enjoy being single?
Only 29% of people enjoy being single, which I can understand because being single can be tough at times.
But I want you to really use this session as a springboard to start to embrace the positive aspects that can come from being single, I can promise you that you will literally never have a better time to learn and understand things about yourself and about who you want.
Hopefully, this presentation has given you some ideas around how you can date in a way that's just a bit more rewarding for you.
Meet Amy and Graeme
But now I'd like to introduce our awesome success couple, Amy and Graeme, who actually met through Match.
Amy: Hi, I'm Amy.
Graeme: I'm Graeme.
Amy: We've met on match.com 10 years ago, our paths would never have crossed without match.com.
Graeme: We've been married for five of those years since 2018.
Amy : This is our match.com baby, who's almost four years old.
So, did we feel an immediate connection? I would say yes, we do.
Graeme: Oh yes.
Amy: Yeah, definitely.
So, when I was looking through Graeme's photos that he put on match.com, I just saw kinda like a twinkle in his eye.
Then when we first met up, I think we definitely did feel an immediate connection didn't wait, just because we've been talking and inboxing quite a bit before we met up.
Graeme: Yes.
So, I made the first move, contacting her, I saw her profile and saw that she'd just returned from Australia and New Zealand, I thought that was a good topic of conversation to pick it off with.
Amy: Yeah, so he contacted me first.
Then when I looked at his profile, I thought that his profile was quite interested in quirky as well.
My profile was actually quite short.
I put some information into it, but I haven't put loads of information into it.
Whereas Graeme was a bit more full of information, but actually that, it gave us lots of things to talk about didn't it?
Graeme: Oh yes yes, lots of talking points
Graeme: My advice to singles is, just be prepared to meet someone new and different from you and bring you out to sell a bit to try new things.
Yeah, growth was a couple.
Amy: Yeah so, I think basically, my advice to couples would be to be open to meeting people different from yourself, if that's what you're saying, isn't it as well as like, be open to meeting people who might have different interests than you.
Also, put some information in your profile so that you've got those topics of conversation to start off with.
I would also say like don't be afraid to reach out and be the person who starts the conversation.
Because like you did that I didn't do. Yeah, I think that's our advice.