How To Turn A First Message Into A Date

Start Having Better Messaging Conversations That Lead To The Dates You Want »

  • 00:00 How To Turn A First Message Into A Date
  • 04:05 Key takeaways
  • 04:37 Questions from our members
  • 04:54 I seem to send a lot of messages with little thought, and maybe that's why my response rate is poor, but the messages I receive back are also not that well-thought-out!
  • 06:15 I do struggle texting. I really have to push myself to be creative and keep the momentum sound fresh. I struggle because sometimes it feels overwhelming for me, it feels like being at work and having to reply to lots of emails based on different topics.
  • 07:43 I sometimes hesitate when it comes to the answer to the question 'Why are you still single?' Any advice?
  • 08:47 How do I get the attention of someone I'm really interested in with the first message?
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Hayley Quinn is the UK's leading dating coach: she has over 2 Million views on her TED talk and over 100,000 YouTube subscribers. She is also a spokesperson for Match and regularly contributes to international media.

How To Turn A First Message Into A Date

So, what's the best first message you can send someone, and how can turn a message exchange into a date?
I'm Dating Coach Hayley Quinn and welcome to your Match Life Coaching Session.

In the world of online dating, of course, how we message people is really important because it's how you show people that you're out there and how you can build excitement with someone to meet you for a date.
So, during the session today, I'm going to be getting really practical and helping you with some tools that you can use to have more successful message exchanges.I'm sure we all know by now that good first messages should be personalized to the person we are writing them to.

I really understand that at the end of a really long day with everything else that it's going on at the moment, you just might not have the bandwidth to be your more creative self all the time, that's why in the first section of this life coaching session, I'm going to be giving you some really helpful templates that you can use to base your first messages on.
So, rather than having to strike inspiration every time, you can have a structure that you can start to use to think about when you want to message someone.

After that, in our second section, I'm going to give some pointers about how you can really keep the conversation moving in the right direction, so it doesn't dry up or fizzle out, and again that those message interactions that have started get their best chance to spark.

Finally, I'm going to also be giving you some sort of checkpoints that I'd recommend you to pass through before you ask for that all-important date.

Before I go any further, it's really important I put one big caveat out there, which is this: you could write the best message ever, it's like "Shakespeare stands aside," your message was amazing, that still doesn't mean that someone is getting back to you because for a messaging interaction to be successful, we need both people really participating in that interaction.
And, I know it can be a little disappointing when someone doesn't get back to your message, so I just want to start off by reminding you that the reason for that may well not be there's anything wrong with your message at all, it just could be the other person is busy, is preoccupied, dating isn't a priority for them at this particular moment, so if you don't get a response for that really well-crafted message, try not to take it to heart, remember that the people out there who are most similar to you, who are most engaged with dating, who really want to start something real, they are going to be replying to you, and hopefully, using the structures that I'm about to give you is going to make your life a lot easier when it comes to crafting these messages.

 

Key takeaways

So, before we move on to looking at what some of those first messages are, let's just do a really quick recap of this section.

So, remember, being able to write good messages helps you to be successful at dating, I hope that is obvious.If you don't send a message, you will never know, so this means if you don't take your chance, you are never going to know if that person could be the right person for you, and remember there are lots of reasons that there's absolutely nothing to do with you why someone might choose not to reply.

 

Questions from our members

 

I seem to send a lot of messages with little thought, and maybe that's why my response rate is poor, but the messages I receive back are also not that well-thought-out!

Okay, I'm going to encourage you here to be part of the change, even if the messages you get aren't always the most amazing messages in the world, I want you to really lean in here, to take in control, and giving writing messages, maybe not your 100%, but at least your 88%.
So, remember I'm going to be giving you lots of tips on how to write good messages in the next section, but for now, I want you to focus on a couple of things.
Remember quality over quantity, so instead of sending a lot of cut-and-paste messages to people, it's going to be better for you to focus on what you are actually looking for when you see that in someone's profile, or how they are interacting with you, craft that into a first message, more details on that to come.
And, also, with all your messages just remember the three P's, keep it personal, positive and playful.
So, personalize your messages, keep the tone of your messages positive and be playful.
And, if being playful isn't something that comes naturally to some of you, don't worry, I have got some good tips on how you can do that.

 

I do struggle texting. I really have to push myself to be creative and keep the momentum sound fresh. I struggle because sometimes it feels overwhelming for me, it feels like being at work and having to reply to lots of emails based on different topics. Would you suggest I only engage in a certain number of conversations at a time?

So, I'm going to do the first part of that question, and I think if you are getting that "it's a bit like having another inbox feeling" when you're replaying your messages, this is something we need to address because when it comes to dating, your personal motivation levels are really important.
So, I would say to focus on having a profile that has got lots of personality, lots of very individual things for people to respond to, and I will give a few more tips on this later, but obviously write your profile, use match voice, leave voice notes on your profile, and it's going to be easier for you to see who has personalized their messages to you, who has read and responded to your profile, and I would focus on having those conversations first, rather than spreading yourself too thin and burning out.

 

I sometimes hesitate when it comes to the answer to the question 'Why are you still single?' Any advice?

Now, down to the question, "Why are you still single?"
I'm sure a few of you out there have had that question and possibly not liked it, so for all of you who are watching the match live tonight, can we just agree that the question "Why are you still single?" isn't the best question to ask in a messaging conversation.
In fact, if we can ban it, that would be great.If you are the recipient of that question, I know it can sometimes feel a bit awkward to answer but remember the person's intention when they are sending that isn't probably to make you feel awkward, they are probably just trying to create conversation or show curiosity, or maybe they think you are really attractive and can't understand why you are still single, so they phrased it that way.I would keep your response positive.Keep it light, don't feel pressured that you have to disclose your whole life story.
You could just say something like, "I'm optimistically waiting for the right person to come along."
So, keep it positive, keep it aloof, and don't take it to heart if somebody asks you that question.

 

How do I get the attention of someone I'm really interested in with the first message?

So, quick caveat, I'm going to say you can't be that interested in someone until you have had a bit more interaction with them.
So, someone's profile could look perfect, but remember what makes them perfect for you is how they interact with you.
So, until we see that they are responding to your messages, they are being consistent, and they are making an effort too, it's good actually not to place too much pressure on yourself in that first message.
That being said, in my next section, which is coming up, I'm going to be giving you loads of really interesting templates and tools you can use to make it easier for you to structure an amazing first message to send to someone.

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